Be sure to Click LIKE at the bottom of this article, and share it everywhere!! By Craig Andresen – The National Patriot and Right Side Patriots – Commentary
Ahhh…Thanksgiving. That magical holiday where family and friends gather for the feast of thanks.
Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, gravy, that green bean casserole, dinner rolls and pumpkin pie.
Just the thought of it makes one’s mouth water, and belt loosen.
Every year, Thanksgiving is that one day we all look forward to with reckless abandon. Not just for the food, but for the time we get to spend with loved ones we so often don’t get to see but once or twice a year.
Hold on…in fact…hold everything.
This is 2020, the Chinese year of the clusterf*** and I think you know exactly what I mean.
If you live in a blue state, or worse yet, in a blue city within a blue state, this year’s Thanksgiving is going to suck out loud.
In the state of Washington, a state deeper blue than a chess-playing IBM computer (and if you aren’t familiar with that analogy…look it up) you’ve got some COVID restrictions you’re going to have to deal with.
First off…Gov. Jay Inslee has announced a mandate that requires you to not have anyone over for Thanksgiving that doesn’t actually live in your home unless they have quarantined themselves for 14 days prior to their trip over the mountains and through the woods. That means there’s no Thanksgiving reprieve in Washington from the same people you see every day. You’re stuck with the same old family members and no fresh stories to tell.
Over in Oregon, there are also mandates bluer than a freezing Smurf. In Oregon, Gov. 
Kate Brown (the chief Smurfette) has ordered that you have NO MORE than 6 people at any indoor gathering which includes any Oregonian’s Thanksgiving dinner. That means that in Oregon, those wishing to hold a Thanksgiving family dinner will have to decide who, within their families, they like the best. Let’s just say that there’s you, your spouse and your 2 kids. That’s 4 people. You had planned to host your brother, sister-in-law and their 3 kids. Maybe you like your sister-in-law better than you like your brother…so that’s one out the door…but which of their kids do you prefer over the other 2?
Decisions, decisions.
What if you give the bird (not the turkey) to Gov. Brown’s communist mandate and invite them ALL over anyway? Well…you could be fined $1,250 bucks AND be hauled off to the local JAIL. Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving quite like sharing a jail cell with flatulent Uncle Frank.
In the people’s republic of California, Gov. Newsome has mandated that EVERYBODY inside YOUR home MUST wear a mask this Thanksgiving. Imagine that…being told what you have to do inside your own home by the government. It’s your home. It’s your family and your friends. It should damned well be your choice as to whether or not everybody sitting around your table is wearing a face bra…but it’s not…and if they catch you enjoying yourselves with naked faces…there’s going to be hell to pay not to mention the fines.
In Chicago, Mayor Lori Beetlejuice Lightfoot called on residents in the windy city to curb their social gatherings to 10 people at the most. She also suggests that residents stay at home except for essential activities…like going to work or grocery shopping…or shooting at bystanders on any given street corner.
Naturally, if you’re in Seattle, Portland, L.A., Chicago or Philly and you’re planning an ANTIFA riot…all bets and mandates are off and you can congregate as many goons and thugs as you want, to burn, loot and commit assaults to your heart’s content. It’s only the peace-loving, family get-togethers the blue gestapo is concerned with.
So…given this year’s restrictions, mandates, and downright draconian rules regarding the holiday of thanks, how can you get the most out of gathering with your family and friends and yet remain safe from the rampaging COVIDS at the same time?
I’m glad you asked.
Let’s start with your guests. As they arrive, please provide to each one a nasal swab long
enough to shove up their noses, and touch their brains. Collect the samples and hang onto them for processing on Friday. You may not know in advance whether Aunt Mary was, in fact, COVID Mary, but at least you’ll know later if you have to quarantine until you run out of leftovers.
Because nobody really knows for sure when their virus is going to kick in, and because you won’t have the results of the brain scrapings for another day or two, before sitting down at the table, take everyone’s temperature. The turkey should be at least 160 degrees, but your guests should not exceed 98.6. While there are new-fangled laser thermometers you can buy, you know Cousin Sally’s rug-rats are going to be using those to terrorize the cat, and besides…can you really trust the accuracy of those things?
I say…go directly to the source and get THE most spot-on reading of someone’s temp as possible…with an old, reliable rectal probe. I understand that nobody really wants to see Uncle Filbert shooting his full harvest moon anywhere near the dining room, but accuracy matters and sometimes you just have to do what you have to do.
As we all know, Uncle Frank tends to be a big gassy. Make him wear 2 masks. He can take the one off the bow while he’s eating, but the aft mask must remain in place.
I’m not really sure you can get the COVID from a butt blast, but why take the chance?
As for the meal itself, allow me to start with the place settings. This is not the year to use the good China. China gave us the plague, and there’s no reason to glorify them with fancy eating dishes. Skip the everyday plates and the paper plates too. Use serving platters. That way you can socially distance your turkey from the yams and the always popular green bean casserole can mind its own business away from the stuffing.
Seating arrangements are going to be interesting. If you happen to have an open floor-plan in your home, you can at least talk to each other. For those with more traditional rooms, each individual family member or friend should be assigned their own room so as not to become super spreaders. At the table, one person at each end is fine, and after that, one in the living room, one in the kitchen, one each in as many bedrooms as you have, and 
one on the laundry room. The more rooms you have, the more family members and friends you can entertain.
Put Uncle Frank in the bathroom for what by now should be obvious reasons, and tell him that while he’s dining in there, he can feel free to remove his rear-facing mask.
I know what you’re wondering. If folks are spread out all over the house, where do you put the food so that people can have seconds? That’s easy. Place platters of food in central, strategic locations and set off an air horn blast as a warning whenever someone gets up to refill their plate.
Uncle Frank will announce his intentions in his own unique way, and on the off chance that the platter central to your geographic location of the domicile is out of dinner rolls, do NOT try to forage from a different cache of food…just eat something near you and be happy with that.
Friends…you have choices to make. You can either follow these guidelines which may seem a bit over the top…because they are…and as soon as your feast of Thanksgiving is 
over politely demand that all the petri dishes you’re related to or are friends with get the hell out of your house and go back to where they came from or…you can skip all of this, have a nice, normal gathering and meal and then sit around afterwards with loosened belts, unzipped flies, scratching, belching and doing your best impressions of Uncle Frank while noshing on bits and pieces of whatever is left for as long as you like.
This is America damnit, and you should celebrate the holiday in whatever way YOU choose, COVID be damned, and if the government COVID kill-joys show up…let Uncle Frank answer the door…and then show them a copy of the 1st Amendment where it clearly states that we all have the right to “peaceably assemble,” regardless of Uncle Frank’s condition.
Thanksgiving is all about fun, food, fellowship and creating memories…and that’ll be a story your grandkids will be telling their grandkids 50 years from now.
In my own family, our version of Uncle Frank was in fact, my Aunt Bertha who, like Jupiter, was a rather large gaseous orb with her own gravitational force, and she was often beset 
with clearly audible, tear inducing methane emissions which could have easily been deployed to disperse a riot. Aunt Bertha once fell asleep in a rocking chair after a rather hearty Thanksgiving dinner, and each inhaling snore was followed by a resounding back-alley bugle blast.
Aunt Bertha has been gone for decades, but the memories of her…linger.
Happy Thanksgiving with COVID stuffing.
Copyright © 2020 Craig Andresen / thenationalpatriot.com all rights reserved
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For more political commentary please visit my RIGHT SIDE PATRIOTS partner Diane Sori’s blog The Patriot Factor to read her latest article “On Thanksgiving.”
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Tomorrow, Tuesday, November 24th, from 7 to 9pm EST, RIGHT SIDE PATRIOTS Craig Andresen and Diane Sori discuss ‘On Thanksgiving’; ‘Thanksgiving With Covid Stuffing’; and important news of the day.
Hope you can tune in to RIGHT SIDE PATRIOTS on rspradio1.com. Click ‘LISTEN LIVE’ starting at 6:50 pm EST with the show beginning at 7pm EST.
